...Indeed! I am.
While so many people crave human contact I crave solitude. I take care of my mom - not a lot is requires in taking care of her but she is getting older and I help her out as much as I can. I take care of the boyfriend when he is home. I go to school full time. I write. I do a ton of homework. And usually I am there when people need me. In fact, I am expected to jump and run to that person who needs to get out of the house...and usually I do. I am always expected to understand their desire to always be doing something WITH someone but yet, no one seems to understand my desire to do things - ALONE.
Recently I have been going a hundred miles an hour, doin' a gazillion things. I haven't slept in over a month. Not more than two hours at a pop. My insomnia is flaring up in a big, bad, ugly way and I'm exhausted beyond reason. I need some alone time. I don't just desire it - I NEED it. REQUIRE IT. One particular friend is now guilt tripping me because I do not have the time (nor desire) to fulfill his need for human contact. Guilt trippin' me. I'm annoyed. I don't know how many times I can explain to a person about who I am and how I am.
I am not that girl who chats on the phone for hours. I am not that girl who will even call you every day. I AM that girl who isn't going to call you. And probably won't answer if you call me. This doesn't mean I'm a dick - it just is who I am. I am not that girl who needs to hang out with people all the time. I don't even like being around my boyfriend all the time. I am a loner. A recluse. A hermit. An introvert. I'm smart. Funny. Pretty. Social when I have to be. I care about people and think of them often. I probably reflect on things more often than most people do. I just am anti-social. Most people in my life understand and respect this. Most people are not alarmed when they don't hear from me for several days. They may send a text asking if I am OK and I'll send one back telling them I am. That's it.
I usually try to accommodate the people in my life who are different from me - who need to hang out and be social. It isn't always enjoyable for me but I do it because they need it. My mom is one of those people and this guy is another one of those people. But sometimes I just don't want to. Mom is generally understanding if I don't feel like going out and doing something but this guy is a recent addition to my life and he isn't very understanding at all. He's rather selfish in guilt-tripping me while calling me the selfish one. He's either going to learn or he'll get-gone.
I just wish that people would quit expecting understanding and respect from me when they are not prepared to give me understanding and respect in return. I understand I am a difficult person to know - I do not let a lot of people in and things like this are the very reasons why I do not. I'm actually pretty easy going - but I do not take to the guilt trip thing.
Right now - I need to be alone. I need quiet. I need to write. I need to reflect. I need to read. Watch some TV. Alone. I haven't had a good dose of "alone time" in over a month and I'm beginning to get irritable and this guy is starting to really work a nerve. I don't have many nerves left to work, you see. Why am I expected to run when he needs something but he can't respect who I am? I guess I just don't get it.
Sigh. Just needed to vent. He's pissed at me - I think - and I'm to the point where I don't care.
...nothing without TRUST, RESPECT, LOYALTY, COMMITMENT, FIDELITY.
For all those people out there who think their relationships can survive on love alone are blind and ignorant. In my old age I have come to learn that you can love someone all day long but if they do not trust you - or you them - love will not keep the relationship going. You can love someone all day long but if they do not respect you - or you them - love will not keep the relationship going. You can love someone all day long but if they are not loyal and faithful to you - or you to them - love will not keep the relationship going.
I have loved too many men who claimed to love me back but they treated me badly. I still loved them, I thought so anyway, but I came to resent them. Fear them. Mistrust them. And eventually I became numb and indifferent. My ex-husband once dragged me out of a mexican restaurant by my hair because I was having an after-work drink with a coworker/friend of mine who had just returned to work from maternity leave. He didn't believe me and drove 40 miles to the place (it was down the street from my office) and turns out I wasn't lying but that didn't matter. Rather than admit he was wrong in not trusting me he had to follow through. I can't remember what excuse he made up for his behavior, that isn't important. The man didn't trust me...and I had NEVER given him a reason not to. I found out years later that for all the accusing he did to me for cheating on him he was the one having extra martial affairs.
Probably that is an extreme case but lack of trust and disresepect come in many forms. I challenge everyone to think for themselves and put it together. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, probably something IS wrong!
And if your significant other isn't doing anything wrong that you can find - then I challenge you all to discover the source of your insecurities and fix them. Happiness comes from within yourself. There is no such thing as "you complete me". Rather I believe in "you compliment me". No one makes you happy...they may make you HAPPIER but they aren't the sole reason for your happiness. If you believe that than you need to soul search and find out how to be happy without validation.
I used to be a romantic-at-heart person and I got bit in the ass, more than once, for being so. I learned from my mistakes - though it took a long time and continues to be a process, indeed I will always make mistakes and learn yet another lesson. I have been blinded by love, recently even - but not so much that I didn't get sucked into something that I couldn't walk away from. And each time I learn to trust my instincts even more. So much so that I rarely question what "my gut" is telling me. I've learned to distinguish my own unfounded insecurites from what is reality.
Respect yourself. Trust yourself. Be loyal to yourself. Love yourself. When you can do that - other people will respect you, trust you, be loyal to you and love you.
She started in again...surprise surprise! More Molly-bashing. She's hooked on the idea I look like a man. I really don't understand that - it's just silly. I mean, all of it is silly, but this strikes me as particularly silly. In the name of jealousy - which she is clearly possessed with - I can wrap my head around fat, chunky, a slut even - if I am to go by her other idea that I dress "risky", or ugly. Those are all perceptions. I suppose someone thinking I look like a man could be perception BUT - I am a very curvy girl. There is no mistaking my DD's for man-boobs. Just saying. And I don't dress like a dike (no offense to my lovely gay friends!) so she can't say it's because of the way I dress. Especially since she seems to think I dress too revealing. Nope - that whole "Molly looks like a man!" thing is a desperate grasp at straws to try to convince Jim I'm just no good all around.
In the 100 or so messages she sent to him he responded only a few times with "This isn't about the kids so stop." And he gave in and said "You must be really jealous if this is all you got." Which just set her off more. And one other time he told her "I can tell you from experience that Molly is much more physically a woman than you are. You have the body of a ten year old boy." OH BOY - that set her off too.
It's so maddening - all of this - that we are just left with laughing at her and praying for her. I REALLY thought she'd give in after several months but she won't ever stop. My future in-laws seem to think she has borderline personality disorder. One is a nurse and one is a shrink. I looked it up and she definitely displays traits of that sickness. I think she is also a sociopath. A true narcissist. Positively incapable of recognizing how her selfishness is actually making things worse instead of better. Incapable of recognizing how her behavior is adversely affecting not only Jim and I - but more importantly her kids.
And then to top off the madness - the very next day she calls me all nice and sweet to tell me that the kids' gifts arrived and asked if it was OK for them to open them now. Like nothing ever happened. Like all is well in the world.
I have to realize that there is nothing I can say or do - and that I because I am the lucky girl who gets to spend the rest of my life with Jim that I will ALWAYS be the focus of her hatred. Well, Jim and I ~ Jim because he absolutely won't go back to her and me because I'm with him. WE get to be this because of what SHE did. It's just wrong and it makes no sense. She is sick and we get to take the beatings because of it. While she doesn't hate her kids - THEY unfortunately get to take the mental and emotional beatings too.
A whole day with no Dianne...Maybe she meant it when she said she would leave us alone???
HEY! A girl can hope, right???????
Today I was able to focus on important things, like schoolwork, without unnecessary stress and distractions. It was GRRRRRREAT!
...she is STILL trying. Trying to do what I'm not entirely sure but she won't leave us alone. Since using her daughters phone she has texted him again claiming "her daughter" failed to mention that she only cheated on him when he WASN'T in the country. She only cheated when he was deployed.
Right. Because that makes breaking your vows justifiable.
He just told her to leave it be. To keep communication about the kids. Then she decided to Molly-bash again. Molly's ugly. Molly's a slut because she dresses risky (that's how she spelled it -- I am assuming she meant risque). Molly will cheat on you too. She told him that she was just going to die of a broken heart and she'll just kill herself. BIG SIGH.
Then her boyfriend jumped in - he said that Dianne ONLY wants Jim to be a part of his kids lives. JIm said that isn't what he's getting when she claims she is going to die of a broken heart if he doesn't come back to her and that she says she will kill herself if he doesn't come back. Jim said - I AM a part of my kids lives - have been talking to them nearly every day. That's all I can do when I live 1200 miles away. I will not go back to her. Ever. The boyfriend asked to see the text messages she sent so he forwarded them on to him.
The boyfriend is as dumb as she is - he says that Dianne just wants to be friends. Jim told him that he didn't need friends who bash his fiancee and who can't move on from the past they created. He's fine, thanks but no thanks.
In the meantime I lost my temper and send a message to Dianne (I have since apologized but whatever...) calling her a pathetic desperate excuse of a human being. I said that I don't care if she doesn't like the way I dress. I could walk around naked all day long and still wouldn't be the cheating whore she is. Didn't go over to well...haha. She said "I DO NOT LOVE JIM. I LOVE TIM. I JUST WANT JIM TO BE A DAD TO HIS KIDS." I said..."Right...because the way I dress has EVERYTHING to do with Jim being a dad to his kids." I pleaded with her to just let go. She never got back to me.
Fast forward...Jim's son calls him and leaves a voice mail "Molly said mean things to mom and now mom's upset. That's not nice. I don't like Molly." Jim calls back and his son puts him on speaker phone and his son tells him again that I was mean to his mommy. Jim says "Whoa. Your mother said a lot of mean things to Molly first." Still on speaker phone his son walks over to his mother and says "You said mean things first. That makes all of you wrong. All of you." Still on speaker phone Dianne yells "I short-changed your kids." She is screaming hysterically. Jim says "That is not my fault." She is screaming and screaming "If I die it's all your fault." Jim says "Nope. Not my fault." She yells at their son to hang up on his daddy and he did.
I'm left without answers. All I want is for this woman to live her fucking life with her boyfriend and leave us alone. She says she wants to be friends with Jim. That she only loves him because he is the father of her kids. She says "You can't love me because I'm the mother of your kids?" Jim says "No. I do not love you. Not even because you are the mother of my kids. I just do not love you and I won't tell you I do. I already did that and it led to thirteen years of a marriage I wish never happened and now I have to live with the consequences from it for the rest of my life."
I don't know what to do. Ignoring her doesn't work. Calling her out on her MADNESS and LIES only works temporarily. But it does make me feel better. I am expected to sit her and take all these insults and cater to her and her illness because it's the right thing to do...she IS clearly a sick woman. But my God - I've been abused by this woman for 18 months because she can not come to terms with the fact that after she divorced her husband he actually moved on. In her mind she thought by doing that he would just be overcome with grief and sadness he'd beg to be taken back. Since that didn't work she thought she would fabricate disease and cancer and illness and injury - thinking that he'd be so overcome with grief and sympathy that he'd go back. That isn't working...so now she is breaking down and trying to insult me and trying to put doubt into Jim's head. By the way - I do not dress risque - or risky - I dress how I want. Most of the time that is jeans, boots and long sleeved t-shirts. In the summer it's shorts and tee shirts. Sometimes I wear sexy clothes - but not as often the way she makes it sound and not trashy or anything. She twisted something around that his mother sent to her - her disguised as her daughter on her daughter's cell phone - and is telling Jim that his family doesn't like me. His family loves me. His mom and I talk OFTEN. His Aunt and I talk OFTEN. His brother calls me all the time. His sister and I talk all the time. That's neither here nor there because all they ultimately want is for Jim to be happy and I make him happy. Since I make them happy - they are happy.
This is a madness that I have no idea how to handle. I do my best to remain calm when dealing with this woman but she has pushed me BEYOND my limit.
This time Dianne decided to pose as her daughter on her daughters phone to send the VERY KIND OF TEXT MESSAGES WE HAVE ASKED HER NOT TO SEND. Does she think we are stupid? Really - is she that stupid that she thinks we'd fall for it???
This time it started with: "Why do you think Molly is a saint? My mom is a good person and she loves you and why don't you love her? She has made mistakes but so have you."
Jim: "Molly is not Saint. Only Saints are Saints. And your mom knows why I don't love her anymore and why we can't be together. She knows what she did. Yes, I've made mistakes and I have always admitted when I do. But she is the one who divorced me. We are done. I trust Molly with everything I have - she has NEVER lied, NEVER cheated, and even when she's at her worst she is better than your mom was at her best. I'm not trying to dog your mom out but Molly and I go well together. She respects me and who I am and I respect her and who she is. Your mom married me when I was a solider - and a soldier was all I ever wanted to be and within months she was asking me to get out. Within the first year she cheated on me and then cheated on me again a few more times over the years and I still stayed with her. Your mom divorced me. I have moved on and have never been happier in my life. Not before your mom. Not during your mom. And not immediately after your mom."
Dianne as Dannah: "You ran off to war free as a bird while my mom stayed here and took care of us. My mom set you free so you could be with Molly. You haven't wanted to be with her since you came home from Iraq when you were over there with Molly. Tim is a better dad than you. He helps us and takes us to school and to the doctors."
Jim" "If you thinking watching your buddies die and getting shot at is being free as a bird than you have a morbid idea of what that means. Molly and I didn't get together until last year and your mom divorced me almost four years ago so she did not set me free to be with molly. I asked your mom to make a choice between me and tim and she chose tim so I wash my hands of her."
Dianne as Dannah the daughter: "I want to be just like my mom. She loves us and she is smart and she is pretty and she has a good job. Molly isn't any of those things."
me: REALLY? Hunny, you know that isn't Dannah. Dannah doesn't text OR even speak like that. That is Dianne.
Jim: Yeah, I figured it out. The FREE AS A BIRD and the SAINT comment sort of tipped me off.
Sidenote - these are things Dianne has said to us over and over. But truly the "voice" in those text messages is Dianne and not Dannah.
Jim: "if you want to lie to your husband and cheat on him and then stalk him AFTER you left him than yes you will be just like your mom and I feel sorry for you. Especially when one of the men you cheated on him with was your cousin.
Dianne as Dannah: "They found out he wasn't really a cousin. His dad isn't who they thought he was."
Jim: "Right. Except when the act was committed YOUR MOM and everyone else still thought he was. That's just sick and I feel sorry for you if you think that way. I love you Dannah but you need to think long and hard about what you are saying and how you feel."
We decided to not let her know we are on to her.
Nothing for awhile and then he gets this
Dannah: "Dad I'm sorry. I don't know what you and mom are fighting about but I had nothing to do with it and I'm sorry. She was using my phone. I'll try not to let it happen again. Goodnight. Love ya."
Jim: "We figured sweets. Goodnight sleep well love ya too."
I truly do not know what to do about this? EVERYTHING I've tried has not worked. She will not STOP!!! I have ignored her. I have told her to stop. I have ignored her again. I've confronted her and blocked her from contacting him with her phone and then when she seemed to be behaving unblocked her so Jim could have more contact with his son. I'm to the point of considering filling harassment/stalker charges against her. I have a copy of the law sent to me by her local law enforcement and they agree we have a case. But I do not want to do that...there are kids involved here and I don't want to have to put them through any of that but why do Jim and I have to continue to get harassed over and over again while she gets away with this sociopathic behavior??? Why do we all have to "coddle" her because she is very obviously mentally ill - because I don't think being mentally ill is an excuse to get away with what she is getting away with. She needs to get help and stop.
I don't know what to do.
I can not describe accurately the disgust I feel about the situation a "friend" of mine has put her husband in. The things she is saying and doing are just WRONG on so many levels. It makes me want to puke.
To call her a friend is a stretch. Maybe we once were but not so much anymore and it is because she is evil to the core but portrays such a kind, sympathetic, I-am-always-the-victim persona that it was hard to weed through the fake to find the real. And she is GOOOOOOOOD!
She NOW has her church turning away her husband when he came for advice (it is supposed to be his church too) because they believe all of her lies. She has taken things he has said out of context and twisted them just enough to make him look bad and her like angel. How can they not even hear him out????
I'm sick about it.
I’m thoughtful. It’s a result of too many beers and of the MP3 pla
Before I deployed to Iraq I thought I was unique. My experiences made me so. I was stronger than the average woman. I had been through more than the average woman. Therefore, I was above average. Before I went to Iraq I went through a more-than-nasty divorce that just wouldn’t end.
I met and married Roy in a whirl-wind romance that turned out to be anything but romantic. Looking back, that whole situation could be a great plot for a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. He tried to kill me twice. He beat the bejesus out of me a few times. He assaulted me physically, emotionally, and sexually. He stalked me. He threatened me and he threatened my co-workers. Especially the male ones. God help the boy who had to answer the phone when he called. Just a young married kid, Daniel was, but Roy insisted that I must be sleeping with him. He stole my mail right out of my mail box. Including the ATM card and checks I ordered when I opened a new bank account because he cleaned out our joint account. The one that he never put a dime in because he didn’t work. He stole everything out of my house except anything that had a payment due on it. But I didn’t have the money to make payments because he stole my money. He cut up all of my clothes with a police officer standing next to him telling him it was OK because it’s community property. He even stole things specific to me, with my name on them. My mom had cross stitched a sampler with the words “Daughter” and “Molly” all over it. She sent it to me for Christmas after I had left him. He came right into my house with the spare key he stole and took it right off the wall.
And Roy got away with it all. I pressed charges after he assaulted me but he was never even indicted. The charges were dropped. That’s another story for another day. Folks from small town Alabama do not take kindly to outsiders making accusations against one of their own. Especially Yankee outsiders.
An opportunity came a’knocking and I jumped at the chance. “What opportunity?” you ask. The opportunity to go to Iraq. I volunteered. I had to go, for it was the only way I could get away from Roy. I didn’t have money to just up and move away and this opportunity would not only not cost me anything, I would actually be getting paid! Deployments like these require intensive planning. It was three or four months before we left. By the grace of God, my divorce was final about one month prior to leaving. While Roy didn’t suddenly change into a nice guy he had calmed down a bit. It didn’t matter though because I knew he would never leave me alone, he would never set me free, unless I ran away kicking and screaming and fighting. The time to leave couldn’t have come soon enough for me.
Before a unit deploys they attend training for a few months. My adventure and escape started in Fort Dix, New Jersey. Here I was thrown into a diverse mix of strangers from twenty-two different units from the state of Alabama and even a couple of guys from other states that volunteered to jump on the Iraq-bound train.
We were subjected to extreme conditions; cold weather, no sleep, no food half the time, getting used to people you have never met before. We existed in a mock war zone complete with mock mortars, mock bullets, etc. In spite of our sub-human conditions and our differences, we strangers emerged into cohesive group of people who figured out how to work past it all and pull together for the mission at hand. Even though we really didn’t know exactly what that mission was.
Onward to Iraq. On the super-crazy long flight over it had occurred to me that I hadn’t thought much of Roy during the last few months of training. And it also occurred to me that I seemed to lack any real fear about going to war. In less than a day I’d be dropped into a bullets-flying and bombs-exploding combat zone and I was absolutely OK with it. I was calm, even.
Thank-you, Roy. He had terrified me so thoroughly that even going to war didn’t scare me now. But I could have never guessed how much that series of events, and the events still to come would forever change me.
Our mission turned out to be a high profile mission. A mission, in fact, that was several missions. We were a slim unit and didn’t have nearly enough people to cover all these missions. We were to escort and provide security for several Iraqi dignitaries. Dignitaries such as the president, vice president, prime minister and other-high-profile-high target people. Where ever they went, we took them. Each squad was assigned a “primary”, that is to say we were assigned one of these men. But because our personnel numbers were low that often meant you had to run missions to keep watch over your assigned guy and then turn around and fill in protecting and watching over another guy. Some of us, me included, were going so hard and so fast that we’d forget to eat and it wouldn’t even bother us. It was an after thought – “Oh shit, I forgot to eat today.”
Things went fast. I was promoted and before I knew it I was the Sarge in charge of the lead truck during our missions. My squad leader sat in the back in the last truck with his eyes forward and with trust and respect following me and my truck where ever I went. I had the lives of not only the 14 other men in my squad in my hands, but also the lives of my primary and his personal security detail in my hands. Twenty four souls plus my own. That is a lot of responsibility for a thirty-something year old little girl who had only months before been running for her life or hiding locked up in her house with all the lights off, doors locked and revolver loaded and ready to go. From fearful to fearless. What had happened to me?
Everyone hears the stories of what soldiers have to go through. But there are so many other things that don’t really get talked about but affect your life none-the-less. Forever will I tell the story of how I overcame my poo-phobia because I had no choice. Talk about facing your fears. What I don’t include in the story is how that single event changed the way I viewed – well, everything.
We had been out for over a week and I hadn’t used the restroom properly. Oh I had gone to the bathroom peeing in bottles or squatting here or there because that is just what you had to do. But going number two that’s another thing entirely. I could not even use a public bathroom up to this point to do number two. I didn’t want anyone to hear me doing my business and I certainly didn’t want to hear anyone else doing their business. But my body didn’t care about my phobia because after a week of eating nothing but MRE’s and local cuisine it cursed my phobia up one side and down the other and let me know I had no choice but to swallow my pride and do what I had to do.
This isn’t about me walking into a bathroom and taking care of what needed to be taken care of. Where we were there were no bathrooms to use. My squad knew how horrible an event this was for me even though to them this sort of thing is no big deal. They kept the jokes and puns to themselves. That was a first! But I’m a lady and ladies don’t even fluff in public. How could I possibly make this work?
There it was in Sadr City, Iraq where my squad full of men formed a solid circle, respectfully facing outward with weapons aimed and at the ready, and stood guard while I took care of my business with bullets popping off only a block or so away and with locals staring curiously at the circle of American Soldiers. It was then that I realized that all the things in the world I had thought were such a huge deal were really just huge because I made them huge. Or someone close to me made them huge and that manifested into me making them huge. It was there in Sadr City, Iraq squatting in a circle of my brothers and battle buddies for life that I realized how stupid my poo-phobia was. How comical. And it made wonder how many other things in my life did I turn into mountains when they were really just molehills.
I’ve done things most women will never do. I’ve aimed more than one weapon and I’ve pulled triggers. I’ll let you figure out what that means. I’ve been responsible for bringing home husbands, sons, and fathers. I’ve had the weight of life and death on my shoulders and I didn’t bat an eye. I didn’t once question my choices or decisions. I earned the respect of my squad, I earned the respect of a very important man in Iraq, and I earned the respect of the British SAS, Navy Seals, and Army Special Forces soldiers that served as his personal security detail. I did that all by myself. You’re damn right, I’m proud of all of it.
I came home and struggled just like most war-vet’s do. I still hear the pop-smack-crunch of the bullet proof glass as it stopped the bullet that would have been in my temple otherwise. I still hear the wish-swish of the windshield wipers as they worked to wash away the remains of the two year old little girl who blew up from a bomb I’m sure was meant for my convoy. I struggle every day with wanting to go back and give my life to save that little girl. At the time I didn’t bat an eye and we just drove on and through it. Because that is what we were supposed to do. Protecting these men meant you didn’t stop, ever. For anything. Not even for a dead little girl whose remains were all over your Humvee.
As much as I struggle with it I know I can’t change that day no matter how much I want to. I know that everything happens for a reason. And I know now what my mom meant when she said “Count your blessings, young lady!” No matter what I face in any given day I go to sleep each night knowing that tomorrow is a new day. With that new day are endless possibilities. I know to never, ever, sweat the small stuff again. Life is far too short to worry about silly little poo-phobias.
...and instead I am writing. It is unusual for me to not be focused and motivated when it comes to reading. And really, this particular professor gives us some good stuff to read. Funny stuff. Interesting stuff. I find it an art in itself to be able to write funny stuff about learning to write. But today I can not focus.
Usually this means there is something else on my mind. Something that I really haven't figured out. My mind is a complex thing...things sit in the unconscious but yet I'm consciously aware that they are there. I just don't know what "they" are.
I will go through the day with the stupid "spidey sense" (as I like to call it) nagging and niggling me all day. Maybe for two days. Maybe a week. Sometimes it just goes away without me ever figuring out what it is that had me all askew all day but usually something will happen and I will just suddenly "get it." Whatever the outcome the process is always frustrating. It isn't horrible or anything. Just frustrating. I can't seem to get anything productive done and it really is frustrating.
Oh well - off to try to read a bit and then head to class. Unprepared, to be sure, if I can't pull my head outta my ass and get my reading assignment done.
...is what I'm told Critical Thinking is.
Which got me to thinking about the lack of thinking that seems to happening these days. With the conveniences of technology I think the process that we old folks had to go through to get answers has gone by the wayside. I fully believe that process is what em
Don't get me wrong - I love my technology as much as the next guy but I haven't forgotten what it means to actually do REAL LEG WORK to get the answers I seek. And I enjoy that process. I just think while technology makes people "smarter" in some ways - it has made us "dumber" when it comes to constructive thinking. When it comes to critical thinking. When it comes to the basics.
I made it through my first FULL week of school. I managed to show up everyday and on time. No easy task I tell you - I've been so tired and I really did entertain the thought of playing hookey. But I reminded myself of my goals - perfect attendance one of them - and got up and did it. I'm just so tired. I have to tell you if I could actually get some sleep when I go to sleep I may be in a better disposition but since I'm mostly (not always) an insomniac to say I'm tired is lame...It's more like I'm exhausted. But again - I just keep giving myself those pep talks and reminding myself of my goals and I keep on keeping on.
I got all my homework done and I feel like if I'm not in school than I am doing homework. I have found there is not much time for anything else and that is perfectly OK because I need to keep busy. It keeps my mind and my body healthy in spite of the sleep thing. However things that were once important for me to do - like cleaning - I have found I don't get it done like I'd like, like I'm used to, and it bothers me a lot. I'm usually not-quite-a-neat-freak and now I look like Messy Molly had taken up residence.
I had two pop quizzes this week - one I aced and the other one I got a 90% on. Still an A. I still have to go to class this morning - so technically I haven't made it through the first full week yet, but it is reasonable to assume that I will. I've also had to write three papers - with another one due first thing next week - and tons of "little" homework - lots of reading and answering questions about what was read.
I've noticed that probably not quite half - but more than a quarter - of the other students in my class have missed ALL or some of their homework and have also bombed the quizzes because they didn't know the material. What I find interesting is - by my observation - is that it is the students like me who have full schedules and some even work full time jobs and have kids at home that are managing to get all the homework done and are generally doing better than good and it is the students who are only taking one or two or maybe three classes who are the ones who are not getting things done. Like I said...interesting.
The boyfriend comes home today and we are supposed to meet at a hotel after I get out of class. Just a little get-away. A reprieve. And while I'm OK with him being gone - I'm too busy to really think about and miss him too much - I am looking forward to seeing him. He, on the other hand, is more than ready to come home for a few days and have some down time. He works hard and is going all the time too.
That is all for now. I've got some chores to try to get done before I leave for class. Have a good day, all!
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle
One of my classes this semester is Critical thinking and I think this quote from Aristotle is appropriate for what I am learning...or already know, really.
To me this quote means that you can still respect the views, opinions, and beliefs of others without really agreeing with them. It's simple - if they do something you do not agree with - don't do what they are doing.
Why are so many people restricted from having a closed mind? Another thing to gain from respecting - and listening - and even researching and studying - something that you don't agree with is knowledge. And if you think about it - can't you be more effective in stating your own views, beliefs, opinions if you know what you are up against? Sure you can. So instead of letting it "go in ear and out the other" listen to what people are saying and do with it what you will...
I look around me everyday at the people I am surrounded by and the one thing that is common among them (most - not all) is they lack CHARACTER. They go through life using manipulation, lies, ignorance, etc. for personal gain. Not just for materialistic gain - but to gain control over others. Be that their children. Their spouses. Their friends. A stranger.
It reinforces my desire (yes, desire) to keep my social circle exceptionally small. The sad thing is - so many people are unaware of it. They are unaware that they are the victim of it and worse they are unaware that they are the person doing it. They don't realize that what they are doing is wrong. And their spouses, friends, children, etc, don't realize that they are being wrong.
Is everyone BLIND? How is it possible that society walks around and functions without ever really having their eyes open? How is it that we can all ignore that niggling feeling that something just isn't right about this person or this situation? And how is it that even if they do know somethings not right - they are content to accept it? To not do anything about it? What the hell is wrong with us???
I'm pretty vocal - I'll point that shit out in a hot minute but I am only one person. And maybe I'm fighting a losing battle - but there is no battle within myself because I make mistakes all day long - but I own them and I try to fix them. I don't lie. I don't steal. I take and accept blame when I am wrong. I don't cheat. I try to do the right thing and sometimes it blows up in my face - but I know that I tried. My conscious isn't completely clear all of the time - but it pretty much stays clear because I don't lie to myself about what I've done or ignore the mistakes I've made...I try to go forth and fix them. I am the first to "dime myself out" if I've tried to lie to someone. And - when I do "bad" things - I don't feel good about it. That alone will drive me to try to make it right. But...so many other people do not care. It's OK to them that they shit all over everyone to get what they need. For the love of God (or whatever), at least have the decency to feel bad about it.
And there lies the problem...if we aren't taught to feel remorse for the bad things we do - if we are taught that stomping all over everyone is the way to get things, if we are taught we are entitled and never mind that someone else truly deserves something more than we do - because, oh I don't know, because THEY WORKED FOR IT then there will be no fixing it.
Instead those of us who still have some CHARACTER left within us are a rare breed indeed. And that puts this whole damn society in sad and sorry state.
There is a saying, and I can't remember it exactly, but it basically says that what you do in public isn't what defines your character it is what you do in private that defines your character. When no one is looking - how do you act? When no one is there to give you kudos - do you still do the right thing? When you aren't getting all that "attention" how do you act?
I know there are still wonderful and good people out there - I know so. But the more people I meet the less people I want to know.
Have a great day!
Saturday morning I headed down south to Beatrice, NE to visit a friend who lives down there. Since my circle of friends is getting significantly smaller - you know, because I hate people - it's important to keep in touch and visit with the ones I do cherish.
It was a wonderful visit indeed! She has a 17 year old son and I had as much time visiting with him as I did visiting with her. It seems like yesterday he was 5 years old! I needed the stress-free time to unwind and just let loose for awhile.
Today starts the 2nd week of school - which is actually my first FULL week of school. I was pretty tired - in a good way! - from last week so I imagine this week will wear me out - in a good way! - even more. I'm looking forward to it!
I'll be out of class early today - at 10 AM so I intend to use this afternoon to get ALL my homework done and then do some cleaning and chores that need to be done that I have so put off doing. But it's getting pretty bad. It's important for me to stay organized and if you look at my room now you would think I am NEVER organized.
Book bag and books everywhere. My bags from my visit everywhere. Laundry that needs to be done and laundry that needs to be put away...
I got a decent nights sleep last night, although I have YET to actually sleep in until my alarm goes off and seem to be waking up anywhere from an hour to fifteen minutes before it actually goes off...even down visiting my friend I was up at 5 AM. Ugh. Oh well - as long as I feel rested that is what is important.
So week two - here I come!
Today was my final first class...Human Relations. OK - I won't say I dislike the class because I don't. But I don't feel I need to take this class. It is odd for me to say that because I am a person who tends to try to find SOMETHING worthwhile in everything. So even if I don't like a class I will still learn from it and I can respect why I am there. This class, however, is designed to teach students about job interviews, resumes, and well, duh, human relations. Here's the deal...at 40 years old and the life I have lived and the places I have gone I have experienced enough diversity to last TWELVE lifetimes. I'm not an expert on much - but I honestly feel like this class will not teach me anything I don't already know. Bad attitude to have, I know. So - with that being said my professor for this class is also a yoga instructor and is big on meditation as a stress and anger reducer...so in trying to find SOMETHING worthwhile, I am hoping I can learn some techniques that will help me maintain healthy stress levels. That's it. That's all I could come up with that I might bring from this class...
All in all I had a great week. After week one of classes I am still excited to be in school, I am still looking forward to learning and most importantly I still have a great and positive attitude.
Today was my 2nd day of classes. My first class this morning was English Comp I.
I actually thought I would breeze through English Comp I and II (I'll take that next semester). I've already taken them. It was years ago but I aced both of them. Instead I found that I very well may be challenged through this class...and that excites me!
My 2nd class today is Philosophy "Critical Thinking" with a text book titled the same. Once I knew I was taking a Philosophy class my mind blocked out any other thought processes other than Aristotle. Rousseau. Plato. I truly thought I would be walking into my class studying these wonderful guys. While I sort of enjoy and appreciate philosophy - and philosophers - I can only handle so much before I get bored. Instead I walked into a class where the professor's first request was that we write down three facts about ourselves. Two will be the truth and one will be a lie. While we were writing down our "facts" he took role call. His next request was that we form groups of three or four and talk. That's it. Talk. Ten minutes later he went around the class and made each of us introduce ourselves and tell the class our "facts" and the rest of us were to guess which was the lie. It was fun and I liked it. Turns out this class isn't about Aristotle or Plato or Rousseau - it's about learning how to (and I quote the professor) "Argue effectively." How fucking cool is that? Now THAT is something I can dive into and love!
So now about the education I be gettin' NOT from classes. All of our professors have rules. The rule about texting and talking on the phone are basically the same - Don't Do It - but there are some variables throughout the three classes I've had so far. Math professor says it's a NO GO. The only exception is an emergency. By emergency he means someone is sick, in the hospital, etc...not "OMG! MY boyfriend dumped me!" emergency. If you take a call that is a non-emergency or get caught texting - you will be counted as absent. The English professor has basically the same rule but she is leaving it to her discretion as to how she will handle it at the time of the offense. The Philosophy guy says - "Whatever. Don't disrupt my class. If you gotta take a call go out in the hall. NO TEXTING."
I say...cool. Unfortunately I have never seen so many people get so upset by something so minimal and SIMPLE in my life! I mean, it's not like they asked us to saw our arms off! These kids were so upset that they were still talking about it an hour later out on our smoke break. One girl says to me, "What the hell? He's too strict. Doesn't he know lots of us have kids?" My response to that was "What does that have to do with anything?" We engaged in dialog where I ultimately explained to her that if their kids couldn't wait until break or class is over to chit chat or text with their mommies than we have much bigger problems than rules about cell phones in class. Again - if it is an emergency - send the "911 Emergency" text and take care of business. If they send the "911 Emergency" text and it turns out that it isn't really an emergency it's time for Mommy to explain that she, herself, is in class and can not be interrupted unless it's a life or death emergency. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? And why is that so hard for them to explain to their own kids? Why is this EVEN A BIG DEAL?
Ultimately it got me thinking about how different I really am from the rest of the world. I know everyone says that - everyone DOES say that - but I really do not understand all of this making mountains out of molehills bullshit. Why do people create drama where there wasn't drama to begin with? Now, am I different than these people because I'm older than them? Am I different from them because I'm a military girl? Am I different because my own parents raised me to be different? Or am I different because my life experiences have put me down a different route which ultimately changed the way I look at, well, at life?
Interesting...to say the least. I predict this experience will be fun, stressful, sometimes irritating, but I predict it will NEVER be boring!
And so in my very anti-social state I've made an honest attempt at being a social person again. Or at least semi-social. I wasn't always anti-social. In fact I was once quite the social butterfly but than life threw me some curve balls, one after the other and I turned inward and found I enjoy my own company over that of others. But I AM trying and I've done OK for the first few days. On break in between classes I met a 19 year old Russian girl who is studying to be a nurse. She came over here her senior year of high school. graduated from a private school and is now going to college. I found her refreshing, smart, different, interesting and I thoroughly enjoyed our short visit.
Maybe this whole going (back) to school again, and doing it in such a way I'm interacting with people young enough to be my babies, will in fact be a learning experience in and of itself. And maybe it's just what the doctor ordered to get me out of the black hole I seemed to be falling into.
I started school today. Had Algebra. Was TERRIFIED. Turns out I'm not near as Math-stupid as I thought I was. As soon as he started going back over the basics and breaking it down for me it started to come back. I had a lot of "OH! Now I remember!" moments.
So I came home, and like a good girl, did my homework. The way it works for this class is that homework has to be done - in a notebook - and he may or may not check it. It is not graded. It is the student's responsibility to check their own work. Answers are in the back of the book. The only things graded in this class are the 3 tests. But homework has to be done so you don't get lost. Makes sense to me - it's Algebra. Might not make sense to you but it is what it is.
Anywho, so I did my homework. I missed 3 questions out of 34. They were stupid-I-wasn't-paying-attention mistakes and were easily corrected. Not bad for my first go at Algebra in 22 years.
Tomorrow is English and Philosophy. I enjoy English but Philosophy bores the hell out of me but whatever, I shall go forth and kick Philosophy's ass and call it good. :D
And, GASP, I was actually enjoying the Algebra homework too. Hopefully I keep enjoying it and keep the positive attitude.
Day one is complete. Bring on tomorrow!
Here I go...
School starts tomorrow. I'm excited and dreading it at the same time.
I have a lot of credits under my belt but no degree. Since it's been so long since I've taken all those basic courses I made a choice to do all the basics over again. This semester is Math (which I SUCK ASS at), English - which I can rock, Philosphy - booooring, and Human Relations - also booooring. I'm so nervous about taking Math. I'm horrible at anything beyond adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing. And at 40 years old I can honestly say I've never used any math beyond the basics so why the hell do I have to suffer through Algebra. Blechy.
To start I'm going through a two-year paralegal program at a local community college. After that I will go to UNL to get a Bachelors and than I'm going to TRY to go to Law School. I'm taking no less than 17 credits a semester because I'm going to buckle down and get this shit done.
Here I go...
I am entirely frustrated with...Christians. Or rather, people who like to call themselves Christians but don't act at all Christian-like.
I've gone through my life trying to find something that makes sense, where the people aren't hypocrites, where I can fit in and feel good about the people I am surrounded by. Instead what I have found is people praising God and preaching how we should be and then turning around and doing things I'm sure God would not approve of.
We are all sinners - fact. The difference between the good and the bad - in my mind anyway - is recognizing that you have sinned, asking for forgiveness and then doing the best you can to not do it again. It's far more complex than that, I understand, however to wrap it up in a sentence that's how I will put it.
Twice in the last month I have had a bad taste left in my mouth - and dread in my soul - from encounters (direct or indirect) with "God-Fearing-Christians." And this just in the last month...let's not get into what I've gone through with these people throughout my entire life...
First - my fiance's EX. She boasts about how good she is. How Christian she is. How awesome she is. And turns around and says some down-right nasty shit about me, to me, about Jim, to Jim. She is manipulative and evil. And mentally insane - if I had to take a gander. I've kept my mouth shut listening to her for over a year go on about how much better she is than me and how Jim should be with her because she is a "Good Christian Girl" and well - me, I'm just a lost soul. Really? I'm Christian. I'm not perfect...but I have NEVER done anything to anyone out of hatred or malice. I have made many mistakes - many many many mistakes - but I can say I have never been mean for the sake of being mean or for the sake of gaining something. And this fine Christian woman has lied, cheated, manipulated...and worse...to gain and NOT to gain for the greater good - to gain simply because she doesn't want it but she doesn't want anyone else to have it either. She is a greedy whore and she is going to judge me??? I don't usually get so nasty but she IS greedy and she is a cheater and a liar. I am not.
This is a long story for another day, maybe. The point is I finally let her have it - I wasn't nasty or mean or evil in doing so but I just pointed out that while she is calling me all this stuff I have PROOF of the same that she is what she is calling me. Christian, my ass.
Next, my friend (or whatever she is - I have a hard time defining our relationship) is married. Her hubs made some serious mistakes. Things came to a head. She told him to figure out what he wanted and to get help. Sounds reasonable, right? It was reasonable up to that point. The hubs "makes up his mind" to stay with her, he is sorry and he will get help.
Then things changed...now he has to give her all of his money and NOT come home until he gets help. Where the hell is he supposed to stay? With what means can he live? The demands are impossible and unreasonable and she's kicked him out. OK when I say serious mistakes I mean that he has a massive sex drive and she does not. He got upset about it. Said some not so nice things. And what he did, while serious and NOT right, are fixable. There is a solution and he is willing to do all he can to fix it. He recognizes that he made a huge mistake and wants to make it right. Isn't forgiveness a Christian thing? Instead she is holding it over his head. Period.
She goes to Church two or three times a week. She goes to revivals. She is all about God and Christianity on her facebook and then she acts like this. What's worse is she has manipulated so many people into feeling sorry for her. I know her from way back and she has manipulated people like this for as long as I've known her. And people buy it. I am sure eventually this little town will figure her out - some people already have, me included. Whatever kind of Christianity they teach her in her Church - I don't want to be a part of. Where have all the good people gone?
I know, deep down, that not everyone is like that. I DO know that. But where are they? I've been to a lot of places. All over my country. To other countries. And something happened somewhere that the recent and current generations of Christian society are passing along a message that isn't appealing. Something needs to be fixed - because if this is how Christians act I don't want any part of it. I hold on to hope that things will get right somehow...
In the meantime, I'm converting to Catholicism. It's a personal choice ba
It has been awhile since I’ve been on here. A lot has happened.
I got out of the truck at the end of July with the intent to go back to school to finally get my degree…and to set in motion the necessary steps that will get me to my ultimate goal – Law School. Instead I did a stupid thing and drank and drove and got a DUI. I chose to sit in jail for the 53 days (sentenced to 90 -- 53 with good behavior). I chose to do that instead of being on probation with random drug testing at 4 AM, with probation meetings, etc. I just needed to get it over with so I can move on with my life. I was set back a semester but now I am all registered to go to school and start in a few weeks. The first semester I’m going full time plus and if I can handle it I will go double time next semester. Moving forward…
My youngest son’s EX-Stepmother contacted me. She’s his Ex-stepmom because my ex-husband and she got divorced and now my son at the young age of 10 is on to his 3rd mother. Through Melissa (the ex-stepmom) I continued to believe that even though my ex-husband is a douchebag she was not and she would love my son almost as much as I do. Since I wasn’t allowed to have anything to do with him – I mean it when I say the man is evil – I took comfort in that. Well now they are divorced and Melissa has come to realize exactly how awful Roy (my ex) is and she said we need to get Dylan away from the environment he is in. She said and I quote “Molly, you need to get your shit together so you can Dylan back.”
For a while she was able to see Dylan after they got divorced. Melissa and Roy also have a son together and was able to see Dylan often enough so the boys could be together. And Roy would pick their son up and keep him for his visitations and the boys would play together then. Well I guess pretty much Roy wants nothing to do with Luke. The new stepmom is a raging bitch and treats my son like shit.
For so long I was powerless with this man. It’s a story deserving of a Lifetime Movie Network movie…but I also know that while he had the upper hand for so long he would eventually burn all of his bridges. Melissa has informed that he has, in fact, burned those bridges and while before his family did NOTHING to help me – they didn’t hurt me but they would never speak out against Roy – they are all now ready to stand up for me and against Roy. So I’m saving some money so I can retain an attorney and hopefully in the next year or so I can go get my son back. I’m told he suffers from malnutrition. I’m told his step mom (the new one – Beth) spanks him often and for no good reason. I’m told he sleeps in a closet.
I am beyond infuriated that he took and kept my son from me – not to give him a better life – but out of spite because he hates me. I was not in a position to fight back and he set me up, was devious and lied to get him. I was never proven to be unfit or anything like that – I was in Iraq and when I got home I got my son. When I gave him back for a visit he never gave him back to me. We live 1200 miles apart and I couldn’t afford to go back and forth to Alabama and when I did he had me arrested on some bogus shit so I’d be sitting in jail during the custody hearing…he’s a cop, by the way. And I was miraculously let go just after the hearing…I was only going down for the hearing. Got there the day before and was let go the day after…they are allowed to hold you for 48 or 72 hours or something and they did. A good ol’ man in blue…and small town Alabama truly does have a good ol’ boy network and rules all their own. The Yankee from up north didn’t have a chance in hell.
Well now it’s all come to a head and this time I WILL WIN. And my son will be in a place where he will thrive instead of being pushed down. I love my son – and thanks to Mellissa he still loves me in spite of Roy telling him I don’t love him and don’t care and don’t want him – Melissa countered it. I know he will be so confused but I also know he is a sweet child and we’ll get through this.
And then…there was Jim’s EX. She graduated from her woe-of-me tales, her professions of deep love for Jim and her declarations of not comprehending how she couldn’t possibly be his one and only – to insulting me and calling me names. After a year of keeping my mouth shut I took action. I blocked her from calling or texting him. I sent her a message and explained that since she couldn’t keep it about the kids like we’ve asked her over a dozen times that going forward she can go through me.
She flipped out. I remained calm but firm and I called her out on all of her bullshit. All of it. And I didn’t even feel bad doing it. I’ve had enough of her. She tried to get her boyfriend involved and he tried to tell me that she JUST and ONLY wanted us to be involved in the kid’s lives (and we are…so I don’t know why she makes that an issue) and I told him – that NO that wasn’t all she wanted. I forwarded him all of her current messages and he was in for a surprise. So she lied and said she must have sent those while she was having a seizure – these people must think I am stupid…that we are stupid. But the boyfriend believed the lie and that’s fine. I don’t and I told her if she wanted to apologize to just do so without excuses.
Eventually she did apologize – she did admit that she thought Jim would come back to her and that it drives her crazy that I make him happy in a way that she never could. She did keep saying stuff like “He really did love me” – still trying to get a jab in but I’m bigger and better than to let that get to me. We are currently on speaking/civil terms. I think she expected an apology from me – and I’m not apologizing for anything. I didn’t do anything wrong. And I think she thinks we are “friends” – we are not. We are civil for the sake of the kids and that is all she is going to get from me. And she thinks her and Jim are going to be friends…they will not. He hates her. It is a strong word but I really think she hurt him so much that he does hate her. That’s his issue not mine – the point is they will never be friends. And that is her fault.
And so that’s it – I think – in a nutshell. I’m just tired of all the drama. I just want to get my life back in control. I want to get my son back. I want to marry Jim. I want to buy a house. I want to get my degree and I want to become an attorney. I have it in me to do all of this stuff and I am tired of keeping my shut when it counts and when it matters just so I don’t stir the shit pot and I’m tired of lying here and letting all these dirt bags walk all over us. I am done. I am going forth, kicking ass and am going to persevere over all of them and they can kiss my fat white ass.
Previous PostsIntrovert..., posted January 12th, 2013
Love is..., posted January 3rd, 2013
I just don't care anymore!, posted December 22nd, 2012
Delightfully Uneventful!!!, posted December 17th, 2012
Of Course..., posted December 17th, 2012
And so it begins again..., posted December 15th, 2012
My morning rant..., posted December 13th, 2012
First Draft of essay "To Hell In a Handbasket and Back Again.", posted December 11th, 2012
I should be reading my homework..., posted December 11th, 2012
Thinking about thinking..., posted December 8th, 2012
The end of the week..., posted December 7th, 2012
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle, posted December 6th, 2012
"Knowledge will give you power, but character respect." ~ Bruce Lee, posted December 5th, 2012, 2 comments
Week Two...here I come!, posted December 3rd, 2012
Week One - I survived!, posted November 30th, 2012
Education isn't just about what they teach me in class..., posted November 29th, 2012
Not so bad..., posted November 28th, 2012
School..., posted November 27th, 2012
Frustrated..., posted November 20th, 2012
I'm back..., posted November 12th, 2012
It will never end..., posted June 25th, 2012
Sigh...I need a beer!, posted June 12th, 2012
When it's okay to say the same thing over and over again..., posted May 24th, 2012, 1 comment
This & That - mostly random crap., posted May 14th, 2012
I love my teacher..., posted March 30th, 2012
It's been almost 3 months..., posted March 28th, 2012
More Rowdy Drama...he said he thought I was kidding., posted December 27th, 2011
Losing Weight..., posted December 23rd, 2011, 2 comments
Goodbye Rowdy, posted December 16th, 2011, 3 comments
My Big Adventure!, posted December 8th, 2011
So lost right now!, posted November 9th, 2011
And that didn't last long..., posted November 3rd, 2011, 1 comment
The start of many stories - or one continuing story..., posted November 1st, 2011
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer., posted October 29th, 2011
It's much better!, posted October 28th, 2011
Venting, posted October 27th, 2011
Once again I count my blessings., posted October 14th, 2011
You disgust me!, posted October 7th, 2011
Squeezing in some time..., posted September 30th, 2011
Please let him go hunny...., posted September 28th, 2011
Truck Driver..., posted September 27th, 2011, 2 comments
Nice Guys, posted September 23rd, 2011
Learning as we go..., posted August 31st, 2011
A Mechanical Horse For A Smile, posted August 28th, 2011
More ex-boyfriend drama..., posted August 25th, 2011
A Rough Day..., posted August 23rd, 2011
Just call me a weirdo, I guess. :), posted August 22nd, 2011
St Paddy's Day it is..., posted August 19th, 2011
St Paddy's Day it is..., posted August 19th, 2011
So far so good..., posted August 18th, 2011, 3 comments
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